Dealing with Loss: Understanding the Process of Grief
We all experience losses in our lives. We often think about loss as someone we love passing away. But loss can come in many forms. We can lose a job, a friendship, a relationship. As we move through life’s transitions, we also experience losses: the loss of our old selves. We lose “the childhood” as we become adults and take on the responsibility for our own wellbeing. We lose our single-ness as we partner up and start a family. We can also experience loss in what we never had, like the ideal parent or the career path we decided not to choose. And when there is loss, there is mourning and grief.
This is an inevitable part of life. The emotions related to the grieving process can be uncomfortable. However, avoiding these uncomfortable emotions prevents us from experiencing exciting and welcomed aspects of life. Therefore, by understanding these emotions and allowing them to pass, we can gain greater capacities to tolerate the discomfort while fully enjoying the opportunities life brings.
Not everyone experiences grief the same way, in the same order, or the same amount of time. But some common emotions and behavior can help set a framework for us to understand this complex rollercoaster of emotions when we experience a loss. Remember that as long as we are showing up for ourselves, there is no right or wrong way to grieve.
The Grieving Process
Denial: as a protective mechanism, sometimes we block out shocking news from our consciousness so that it gives our mind time to catch up. It allows us to process the information a little at a time so we don’t overwhelm our mind. We may say something like “that didn’t happen. You must have heard wrong” or “it’s not real.
Anger: Once we had time to acknowledge that the loss has occurred, a common emotion is anger. For example, we may be angry at the person for leaving, angry at the boss who rejected the project, the other party for causing the car accident, or at ourselves for not predicting the outcome. Allow yourself to observe and acknowledge the anger without blame.
Bargaining: In bargaining, we try to use our intelligence and logic to control the situation. Things like “If I did this then that wouldn’t have happened” or “If I called more often then my parent wouldn’t have gotten sick.” It is often irrational and a way to suppress the emotional pain.
Depression: Perhaps you realize the reality of what has happened. Or perhaps you recognize that you cannot change what has already happened. You feel sadness as you realize the loss is reality. You may attempt to suppress this uncomfortable and painful emotion. But if you give space and allow yourself to experience it; it will pass.
Acceptance: I cannot tell you how long it’ll take or how many times you will experience the emotions above or whether you’ll experience all of them. But eventually you will arrive here: acceptance. Where you accept that what has happened happened. That you did not cause it and you cannot undo it. You won’t forget what you have lost but the pain will be softened.
Conclusion
It is not all bleak and darkness. Grieving means you have loved, have attached, have lived. It also means you will eventually accept what has been, continue to move forward and embrace new beginnings. So in order to truly move forward and enjoy the next stages, new chapters, we have to give space for our soul to experience grief and mourn what is no longer. But you don’t have to do it alone. It’s okay to find support in friends and family, to process it in therapy, and even to just have a good cry. Know that grief comes in waves and each wave may be a different intensity. But eventually, as we face these painful emotions, we also increase our capacity to tolerate them and deepen our capacity to embrace all emotions.